The Idiots(plural) and the A**hole Go Spelunking

I&A

Welcome to Tumbling Rock Cave in Scottsboro, Alabama. Otherwise known as: “the place where three mostly prepared humans decided to test how long they could last in the absence of light.”

The crew? Me (Idiot #1), Heather (Idiot #2), and Tiffany—who somehow got promoted to The Asshole on this trip. Normally, that role rotates like a bad carpool, but she really earned it this time. She assured us, and our loved ones, nothing bad would happen. In her defense, it was true-ish.

Armed with YouTube training, adventurous delusion, and a few whispered prayers, we strapped on helmets, gloves, and knee pads that should not have been bought from the hardware store. We even did the responsible thing: sent our location to friends, took a few pre-cave selfies (because if you die in a cave and don’t post about it, did it even happen?), and stepped into the abyss.

The Cave Eats GPS for Breakfast

Inside, Tumbling Rock felt like an alien planet. Crawling on our bellies through passages the size of drinking straws, sliding down 20 feet of slick rock, then clawing our way up what felt like 50 feet straight up…let’s just say it was cardio, CrossFit, and chiropractic therapy rolled into one.

The temperature? About as warm as a graveyard. The commentary? A mix of “are we sure we know what we’re doing?” and “what was that noise” 

Like good little spelunkers, we marked our path and crawled on. At one point, we turned off our headlamps to “experience true darkness.” It was equal parts incredible and horrifying. Like being trapped in a sensory deprivation tank run by Mother Nature herself.

The Not-So-Fun Plot Twist

After hours of contorting our bodies, we decided to call it quits and turn around. Except…fun fact…caves don’t look the same on the way out.

Here’s why: your headlamp creates a tunnel vision effect, only lighting up what’s directly in front of you. The way back was a stranger to us and one we weren’t sure we wanted to meet. Our sketched “map” (and I use that word generously) wasn’t exactly confidence-inspiring.

Turns out, we had picked the hardest route out. Our muscles, already staging a full-scale revolt, were not amused. That’s when fate threw us a lifeline. Guides appeared, like spelunking guardian angels, probably giggling at the sight of three sweaty, confused wannabe explorers.

The Three Choices

The guides laid it out plain:

1. Continue the way we were going (2 more hours of brutal climbing).

2. Backtrack to the original path (about 1 hour).

3. Follow them to a creek shortcut (15 minutes, but with wet shoes and pants).

It took us roughly half a second to decide that we’d rather be damp than dead. So, into the creek we went, shoes squishing, and dreaming of seeing the sun again.

Fifteen minutes later, emerging wet, tired, scraped, and deeply relieved, we stumbled into daylight like mole people seeing the sun for the first time.

What We Learned (Other Than "Don’t Trust YouTube")

• Caves are not playgrounds. They are patience-testing, muscle-shredding labyrinths of humility.

• “Dark” has levels, and caves specialize in the kind that makes you question your sanity.

• Tiffany tried to out-asshole me on this trip. I still wear that crown.

• Sometimes, survival is just knowing when to follow the guides and accept soggy socks.

We walked out with sore knees, new friends, and stories we’ll probably exaggerate even more as time goes on. That’s the beauty of our adventures: every scar and scratch comes with a punchline.

Gear We Used & Recommend

In all seriousness, caves are dangerous places to go into even for seasoned spelunkers. Have a plan, text people before you enter the cave and as soon as you emerge and use the right equipment. Here are a few things we used and/or recommend based on how the stuff we chose faired. But, as always, pick equipment that is best for you.

• Helmet: BLACK DIAMOND Capitan Rock Climbing and Mountaineering Helmet

• Headlamp: Klein Tools 56414 800 Lumens

• Gloves: Mechanix Wear M-Pact Impact Resistant Work Gloves

• Backpack: Small profile, durable, watertight

• Knee Pads: ALTA 50903 AltaPRO Knee Protector Pads

• Hiking Boots: Salomon X Ultra 4 Mid Gore-tex

• Miscellaneous: Eyeskey Multifunctional Military Sighting Navigation Compass with Inclinometer, snacks, water, GM CLIMBING 6mm Prusik Cord, extra headlamps, Stretch Tactical Pants Water Resistant Ripstop Cargo Pants

Final Thought: We went into Tumbling Rock Cave as three mid-level confident adventurers. We came out as humbled, sore, wet spelunkers with a new appreciation for guides, gear, and daylight. Onto, the next A&I adventure...want to come along?